On Friday, the American public unanimously voted 9-0 to uphold the decision to ban hugely popular social media app TikTok across the country. Amid concerns of the Chinese government gaining access to American user data and the cultural impact of the Hawk Tuah meme, all nine citizens of the world’s third-largest country convened at the Supreme Court Building in Washington, DC to rule on the issue.
In a breathtaking show of the power of democracy, all nine Americans voted in favour of banning the app. The ban will take effect on Sunday, January 19th and will affect at least ten people. The nine members of the US Supreme Court, whose other popular decisions include overturning Roe v. Wade and granting presidents immunity from criminal prosecution, were confident the decision was necessary to protect US national security from Chinese influence.
Justice Clarence Thomas, interviewed while scuba-diving aboard a solid gold yacht-plane, had this to say about the nation’s decision to ban “the Tick Tock”: “I think it’s important that our nation’s data stays in the right hands, the ones belonging to American tech billionaires. Let’s keep things domestic.”
At press time, several American citizens were considering migrating to the official Jeremy Renner app.
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