The University of Toronto is infamous for its heavy workload, and many single students are dreaming of being fucked by something other than their midterms–and for compsci geeks, Trin students, or those with less-than-sexy Aphrodite Project matches, laying pipe is unfortunately becoming a pipe dream.
However, drastic times call for drastic measures, especially considering the mounting discontents of the many needy nasties who want to get their freak on. Fourth-year film student Lelaina Pierce took the biggest risk imaginable and downloaded Hinge, where she met her date, Troy Dyer, a fourth-year graphic design major (and Carhartt enthusiast) at OCAD with calluses from Elden Ring. After idle pleasantries, an exchanging of Letterboxd top fours, a few IPAs on the curb, and a moonlit stroll to the Woodsworth residence, the scene was set for a half-decent night of blowing off a lot more than steam. Unfortunately, just before the fun commenced, Dyer shot out a whole load of unfortunate news: he had a “severe latex allergy” that prevented him from wearing a condom.
“I’m so allergic to the latex, it’s a nightmare,” Dyer told Pierce after she begged her date to get over himself and wrap it. “I get these terrible symptoms where I experience an infinitesimally smaller amount of pleasure during sexual intercourse, and it’s so uncomfortable, I even have this EpiPen for it. I’m lowkey getting crazy ableist vibes from how much she keeps pestering me to put one on.”
For Pierce, however, the stakes are much greater. “My mom is literally an English teacher, okay? The pill has nothing on my genetic predisposition for maternity leaves. I even have a punch card at the local Planned Parenthood. The secretary is a bitch, I don’t wanna go back there.” She told our correspondent that she was skeptical of Dyer’s supposed intolerance. “I’m pretty sure he just described the normal experience of wearing a condom, but whatever. I wrangled him into it eventually.” She shrugged. “I mean, hey. Not the worst way I’ve ever spent seven minutes.”
While we here at The Boundary are all in favour of a good romp in the hay, we encourage our readership to stay safe during their raunchy raves–the last thing anybody needs is an STI or a co-parenting sitch with a Grailed seller.
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