Hip Vic Student Only Believes "Alternative Facts"

Victoria College student Kimberlliee Barber (we checked the spelling twice) prides herself on staying at the fringe of culture, only listening to the most obscure bands like Arctic Monkeys and Neutral Milk Hotel, wearing thrifty shoe brands like Vans and Doc Martens. However, this wasn’t enough. Barber was compelled to pioneer the alternative scene and break new grounds. On this journey, she came across the epitome of counter-culture: alternative facts.

With alternative facts, Barber not only wears different clothes from the mainstream but exists in an entirely different realm of reality divorced from objective truth. Barber claimed that believing in climate change is “so 2016,” equating it to still liking The Office, even though she was “one of the first people to put people onto the show.” 

Barber, who has also conducted an “internal study,” declaring herself as the statistically most sought after person on campus, has mysteriously found people avoiding her in the Burwash dining hall. “I’ve never felt more chic and new wave in my life,” reported Barber. “My friends told me what I’m doing is harmful and stopped talking to me but they’re just jealous I’m the only one in the friend group who watches Fox News.”