Doug Ford’s proposed highway 401 tunnel has proven to be controversial. Many people have condemned it a waste of money, and suggest the funds would be better spent on endeavors such as repainting the streetcars. The notoriously sensitive man he is, Ford can take solace in the fact that at least one rather rodentian demographic supports him.
Often overlooked, Toronto’s mole population has been the only group to enthusiastically support the 401 tunnel. “The city doesn’t often do nice things for us,” squeaked mole spokesperson Fuzzy Digson, “They built the TTC for us a while back, so we had those cozy subway tunnels, but not much has happened since then. When we heard the 401 news, though, we just thought ‘hole-y moly!’ It’s good to see us be acknowledged.” Digson later explained how difficult it was for the voice of the moles to be heard, their small size causing a simple trip to city hall to last multiple days. “We have to depend on writing letters in order for the city to hear our problems, and given the state of the postal service, that can be a bit of a crapshoot. Most people would send an email, but that would conflict with the Amish faith that all moles are required to keep. This time, we didn’t have to do anything!”
When interviewed, many of those living near the mole community were unaware that it even existed. One local who chose to not be named, however, not only was aware of their existence but also seemed to have a bone to pick with them. “Those rats are always in my garden! Everyone always tells me that there are no moles living in the city and that I just don’t have a green thumb. But I’ve always known that there’s something out there messing with me.”
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