Many students are making a half-hearted attempt to cut out alcohol, either in solidarity with a variety of charitable efforts or simply out of plain old Catholic guilt. However, some are already experts at moderation. One student, Joey Smith, Religious Studies Specialist at Trinity College, sought council with his fellow students to make sure he’s doing his part.
“Oh, Joey’s never had so much as a drop of alcohol,” says his professor, Dr. Langston Peters. “Or coffee. The strongest thing he’s had is milk. And you can tell. He’s fucking wound up. I had to look up what soaking was and let me tell you, I might be in the wrong field.” The Boundary in no way disagrees with Peters comments denouncing the Mormon religion.
“I don’t normally talk about sex with my students. It’s not worth losing my job,” says Peters. “But Joey ambushed me in the halls, his eyes bloodshot, and assured me it was not indeed a sex act he was performing.” Joey, a proud member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, was keen to find out if soaking was in some way in conflict with his dry January attempt.
“It brought up a lot of questions,” Peters said, growing quiet and pale. “How do they convince one of their friends to move the bed? Do they get to join in? Or is this kind of a chaste-cuckholding practice I’m unfamiliar with? I guess maybe the ones with multiple wives can have one of them do it.”
In any event, while Joey is most certainly a deranged sexual pervert of the highest order, he’s most likely done a far better job at adhering to the tenants of the month than most. One thing is certain, though: Fuck you, Joseph Smith.
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